Wednesday, October 14, 2009

HOW TO GET BEAT UP WORSE THAN BEFORE

This is a great self-help video teaching you how to become 'Bully Smart:' A surefire success for teaching bullies new and innovative ways in beating the living shit out of you after you temporarily stun them. To be honest, you probably had it coming anyhow.

Sorry for all the buzzing sounds. Oh, VHS!

37 comments :

Anonymous said...

My dad was always really worried for his prissy little son, and he taught me a lot of this stuff. They probably don't say it here, but the "point" is to inflict as much pain as possible in the shortest amount of time, and get outta there. He'd always tell me, "If you're gonna hit a guy, just do it. Don't even say anything."

Fat 'n Boring said...

Teaching children how to beat the shit out of each other. I love it!

My favorite part had to be when they showed the kid who looked like Ralphie from "A Christmas Story" and insinuated that he was in a gang. There's nothing worse than a roving pack of MIT bound, upper middle class suburban white kids. Go for the groin!!

Heather said...

"Bully Smart (tm)...for Kids"? This tells me that there's an original, adult version out there. Thank God. Now I can finally learn how to overcome my fear of the mail man. He's mean. :(

Nicholas H said...

Wow, those trainers look like they were having a bit too much fun. Notice them giggling? Hah.

Anonymous said...

If my son fought like this, I'd kick his ass after the bully was done with him.

Adam said...

A great video for people who grow up to own concealed firearms. You're always in danger; you need self-defence.

TVarmy said...

I actually saw this in middle school. The teacher fast forwarded over the self defense parts, though.

marahe said...

SLAP!

therandomizer said...

More like the Star Trek guide to fighting. Quick throw the candy in his face!

Steve said...

There's nothing bullies respect more than being slapped and embarrassed in front of their bully friends. It was thoughtful of them to not want to teach children how to punch, and instead resort to tried and tested techniques like biting... Or the dreaded "candy to the face" technique.

John said...

Biting? Was this before AIDS?

zanahoy said...

i was a peer mediator.
the winner of the dispute always embodied terrific biting techniques.

Marty said...

"Step on his neck and kick em in the ding-ding!!"

Anonymous said...

John--are you from 1983? AIDS is not transmitted through bites, dumbass. It's from toilet seats.

Destination A Go-Go said...

"Goddamnit!
I thought I told you kids this was private property.
Why don't you go and loiter down at Bullies Alley."

Anonymous said...

When my husband was little, his Mom told him, "If anyone makes fun of you are tries to start a fight just say BACK TO YOU BIRD-A-LOO!" HAHAHA! My poor hubby!

Anonymous said...

There's nothing in here for the fat kids. Pro tip: Hit them twice if you can only run half speed.

Heather said...

Dear Anonymous: Did that "bird-a-loo" thing work for your husband? I need to know this ASAP. Thx.

The Bully said...

"Don't roll over on your stomach, because the bully will grab your head and bounce it off the sidewalk." - that's good advice!

stexe said...

at 2:26, did that instructor just bite the bully's nipple?

scamps said...

Stop bullying...with bullying!

Grrg said...

Thanks, Everything Is Terrible, for the Post-Traumatic Stress Syndrome flashback panic attack this video just prompted. Thanks A LOT.

Rygar!! said...

It's safe to assume that a middle school bully is interested in "bouncing your head off the sidewalk", so slap the shit out of him and pull his hair you ninny!

Five star rating. This is an incredible find!

Cyber-Pyro said...

See, when younger brothers and sisters get together, they can come up with some pretty good ideas!

Shamus said...

SLAP! POW! OUCH! This video is insanely hilarious!

Jack said...

In elementary school, I managed to convince a bully who was about to punch me in the stomach that I had a liver condition, and that if he punched me I could die. That made him stop. Then I told him that my "liver was hurting me" (whatever that means!), and he walked me to the nurse's office. I found that most bullies were easily confused, and a few lies would make them leave me alone and pick on less complicated targets.

I actually used this technique as an adult to avoid a bar fight. This guy was getting in my face, and I acted like I thought he had gone to my high school. He didn't know what to make of it and wound up apologizing to me for his bad temper.

It's not glamorous, but it works.

Anonymous said...

The girl trainer was kinda cute.

Anonymous said...

the guy in the green shirt looks like he has some martial arts training. he seems to be very agile despite his weight.

Anonymous said...

What about biting the bully in the crotch?

Philip G. said...

"Run like you've never run before." Because you haven't. Because you are big, doughy, bully-magnet.

frank said...

what a bunch of Dumbos you guys are. i should call you Dumbo because of your dumb comments, Dumbos.

Anonymous said...

you need to get your hands on the raintforest rap vhs from the early 90s

Anonymous said...

No, we aren't going to teach you how to punch. We're going to teach you more noble self-defense techniques such as biting, slapping and hair-pulling.

Richie086 said...

Nothing a swift boot to the Adams apple wont cure. Takes care of that silly 'breathing' thing long enough to really do some damage to various vital organs.

Anonymous said...

Substitute candy with lead pipe, Much more effective...If you have a rolled up magazine, chances are you'll be in possesion of a baseballbat,

Anonymous said...

My son has been getting bullied for 3 years now. I showed him this video, and he used your advice. He then got kicked outof school. I hope you guys have a good fucking lawyer!

Anonymous said...

@anon: Obvious troll is obvious.