In some ways, this is the year I became a man.
I learned how to smack myself to lose weight:
I learned that only pastors should touch you before marriage:
I learned that certain types of flies can turn you into a zombie:
I learned how dangerous biker mice can be:
I learned that John Ritter fucking hated us all:
And most importantly, I learned absolutely nothing:
Happy End of Days, everyone!
Friday, December 23, 2011
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6 comments :
My vote definitely goes to recycling with John Ritter.
John Ritter: Enviro-Yuppie gets my vote, though the combination of the old Bruno Mattei flick "Rats" and the "Mouse on a Motorcycle" special would've gotten my nod if not for John Ritter: Yuppie Environmentalist Ham.
Yonder Vittles, you have to bring back that David Benoit video, the one where the "Cajun" preacher sees Hidden Satanic Influences in magazine photos, then tells the story of the man badly burned by tar. When I was in 6th or 7th grade we wasted two chapels* watching this lunatic's anti-rock, anti-occult tapes. He brings up every mid-80s Christian cliche: the Smurfs are Satanic, Satanic priests blessing rock concerts, looking at the album cover for "satanic" symbols while never listening to the music, recounting the so-called "Judas Priest suicides", etc. I believed none of it.
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* I wasted my youth in crazy Fundamentalist Christian "schools"; we had chapel on Wednesdays and it was either boring lectures by the principal (a semi-retired pastor), crazy guest speakers, or insane videos. I've tried to avoid going into church buildings ever since.
John Ritter's kneecaps
My god, it's hard to choose. The Runaway Rats mashup is genius. But I am gonna have to go with the majority here and say John Ritter - it's too surreal not to go for.
I'm going to try that thigh exercise, get into a relationship with a ski boot, and then dress like a skank. I will then use my new-found sexiness to lure Ritter into cleaning up my trash and help me subdue the rats before their revolution.
My girlfriend and I were happy as far I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When her cousin died in a tragic car accident she went to her family in Mexico for a week. I couldn't go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. She did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let her be. The next thing I knew, she reconnected with an old friend from high school that she had a crush on years back and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until she came back from Mexico. She proceeded to see this old friend and I caught her and her old friend one night hugging each other. I confronted her and she told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about few months of no contact with her I became sad. I wanted her to tell me she wanted to be with me and not her old friend. I was really worried and didn't now what to do bout it, until one day i saw an advert on e internet about how a Dr saved a crumbling marriage, an i was really excited and i contacted the Dr for a love spell, his name is Dr Ewan and this is email address COVENANTSOLUTIONTEMPE@GMAIL.COM,he told me to do some things and i did it, he told me not t worry that my lover will e back to me in less than 6 hours. I thought it was a joke when she called me and told me that she is really sorry for everything that has happened in the past. I was filled with joy, Dr Ewan truly helped me and brought my lover back to me withing the space of 6 hours, he was able to get her to miss me, she wanted us to get back together again. She had lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in generally. she cherish our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr.Ewan contact him through whats-app +2349057353987 his email: covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com. Thank you Dr am grateful.
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