Friday, December 23, 2011


In some ways, this is the year I became a man.

I learned how to smack myself to lose weight:

I learned that only pastors should touch you before marriage:

I learned that certain types of flies can turn you into a zombie:

I learned how dangerous biker mice can be:

I learned that John Ritter fucking hated us all:

And most importantly, I learned absolutely nothing:

Happy End of Days, everyone!


Wig Lot said...

My vote definitely goes to recycling with John Ritter.

Strelnikov said...

John Ritter: Enviro-Yuppie gets my vote, though the combination of the old Bruno Mattei flick "Rats" and the "Mouse on a Motorcycle" special would've gotten my nod if not for John Ritter: Yuppie Environmentalist Ham.

Yonder Vittles, you have to bring back that David Benoit video, the one where the "Cajun" preacher sees Hidden Satanic Influences in magazine photos, then tells the story of the man badly burned by tar. When I was in 6th or 7th grade we wasted two chapels* watching this lunatic's anti-rock, anti-occult tapes. He brings up every mid-80s Christian cliche: the Smurfs are Satanic, Satanic priests blessing rock concerts, looking at the album cover for "satanic" symbols while never listening to the music, recounting the so-called "Judas Priest suicides", etc. I believed none of it.


* I wasted my youth in crazy Fundamentalist Christian "schools"; we had chapel on Wednesdays and it was either boring lectures by the principal (a semi-retired pastor), crazy guest speakers, or insane videos. I've tried to avoid going into church buildings ever since.

Nate said...

John Ritter's kneecaps

Ravenhallow said...

My god, it's hard to choose. The Runaway Rats mashup is genius. But I am gonna have to go with the majority here and say John Ritter - it's too surreal not to go for.

voraciousboot said...

I'm going to try that thigh exercise, get into a relationship with a ski boot, and then dress like a skank. I will then use my new-found sexiness to lure Ritter into cleaning up my trash and help me subdue the rats before their revolution.