Monday, September 19, 2011

CHILD ABUSE! WITH A KARATE KICK!

Kids beating up adults! Adults beating the shit out of kids! No regard for copyright law! Adorable breakdancing! This may be our favorite kids’ flick, and soon you will know why. Made in 1986, the peak “holyfuckingshit!” year of our lord, 7LNK does you the favor of leaving out any boring lulls by packing one pint-sized punch after another. When “Rocky” returns from America to reunite with his six homies (sporting names like Little Fatty, Two Teeth and Bumpkin), it all takes an immediate turn for the worse when they get entangled into a diamond exchange gone horribly wrong. The second there’s even an ounce of trouble, the kids start kicking ass right away, and when “Big Boss” hears of the kiddie crimebusters, his henchmen (also named Fatty and Dummy?!) follow them through every mall, roller rink and disco in town! Fans of Survivor’s track “Burning heart” will not be let down, for this song plays constantly over the sounds of screaming children and punching Foley art! We’re doing out best to describe all this, but frankly some films are beyond words. They should’ve sent a poet…

7 comments :

Anonymous said...

Yep. Face-planting little girls through plate glass and grabbing at their chests and stripping them down to sumo briefs. That's a movie that was made.

swamp thing said...

i would not consider myself a lucky ninja kid if i were constantly being thrown through windows or 2 seconds away from sodomy

Anonymous said...

lol boy butt

Dragon Sound said...

Tell me this: Is it worth the $25-ish dollars I'm going to have to spend to order this off of amazon.com?

Anonymous said...

This...this is a work of sheer brilliance. And, yes, I shall be ordering it.

Anonymous said...

ah! Gamera!

Anonymous said...

Anyone else hear "Like a Virgin" in the intro music?