WORK YOUR JESUS MUSCLE

One night I dreamed I was exercising in the living room with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the TV.

In each scene I noticed one loser on the screen exercising in her lonely suburban house alone. Sometimes there were two sets of losers, the random dude I picked up at church functions and what not.

I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, breakups and yeasties, I could see only one loser, me, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would cardio blast with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my single white female life there has only been one loser in front of the TV. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one loser, my child, is when I rode you like a pony to help you develop those sweet, sweet calves. Now, please put on something a little sexier and turn off that god-awful music.”