Tuesday, April 21, 2009


One night I dreamed I was exercising in the living room with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the TV.

In each scene I noticed one loser on the screen exercising in her lonely suburban house alone. Sometimes there were two sets of losers, the random dude I picked up at church functions and what not.

I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, breakups and yeasties, I could see only one loser, me, so I said to the Lord,

“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would cardio blast with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my single white female life there has only been one loser in front of the TV. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”

The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one loser, my child, is when I rode you like a pony to help you develop those sweet, sweet calves. Now, please put on something a little sexier and turn off that god-awful music.”


Greg said...

jesus wants us to be toned and in shape so when he comes back we are more of a challenge for him to slaughter.

Adam said...

Footprints never sounded so applicable.

Guadalupe said...

I felt the spirit of the Lord as i watched that clip. Insomuch i saw Jesus Lord appear in the background of those women with his arms wide open, smiling upon them, his daughters of faith. Oh Jesus, we love thee Lord Jehovah God! We praise thee! We are obsessed with thee oh Lord God Jesus Christ Jehovah! Come back soon Lord God! In the meantime, we will keep steppin' away to the beat of thy holy gospel Lord God Jehovah Jesus! AMEN!

Oh it's just TERRIBLE!!!

scamps said...

In Evangelical-speak, "spirited one" = "raging bitchwhore".