Sunday, December 09, 2007


Tagline: Where virtual reality begins...

Billy Blanks as Justin
Jalal Merhi as Eric
Wolf Larson as Warbeck
Laurie Holden as Vicki

Director: Zale Dalen

Justin - "Doesn't anybody use papers anymore?"

Justin - "Shouldn't we radio for backup?"
Eric - "It's our mess. We'll clean it up."

Justin - "You mean she can do all that inside a computer?"

This is the most amazing movie ever made. It changed my life. Before I speak any further of this piece of film, I'd like to let you know that I plan to remake ENM shot for shot. I don't care if it takes the rest of my life. I have discovered why I was put on this earth. So, for starters, if anybody finds an old VHS camcorder, let me know and I will buy it. I will breath a new life into this masterpiece.

From the opening credits, I knew that this was love at first sight. The virtual viewer (you or I) is thrusted into a virtual cityscape that is no more than 1D. Mesmerizing. Then, like the world renowned plunge of Snake River Falls, you are suddenly dumped off into the assassination of The Cat, which is all being viewed on the plasma motherfuckin' screens of Warbeck in his secret lair. A beautiful, and naked, woman dives into the pool. Damien slings his death whip around The Cat's neck, sending him spinning and his drink soaring. In one fluid motion, Damien snaps his neck and, like he's done it a thousand times before, catches The Cat's wayward cocktail and takes it down. This scene summarizes this film's Greatness; action, necessity, love, hate, art, fuck, iguana assassins, other stuff. Perfection.

It goes a little something like this: these assassins are controlled by the, as we find in the 3rd act by a "The government can kill, why can't I?" rant or three, criminally insane Warbeck. And this Warbeck has a front, and boy howdy, it is a humdinger. They run a school for assassins. The police just can't seem to get by this squeaky-clean front. That's where the first in a slew of horribly generically named characters, Justin, comes in like a CG tornado - throwing cows and shit. Billy Blanks manages to look both like The Simpsons' interpretation of Mike Tyson and a Wesley Snipes on Down Syndrome, all while kicking an astronomical amount of ass. Oh, and one more thing, these assassins are trained on state-of-the-art virtual reality fighting machines. This reality doesn't manage to look like reality, but they've figured out how to make it hurt like reality. So the question begging to be asked is why not fight in a reality that's within a reality that, you know, looks and is like reality? Maybe reality for example. Well, if they fought in reality, then there would be no excuse for the hacking and the fighting of virtual ninja clowns. Other than that, there's about 40 minutes of people running in different directions and kicking one another while grunting (these are great moments to go and grab that snack). So if the virtual fighting and the reality fighting is the corned beef and swiss, what is the kraut and 1,000 island, you ask. Well, I'm not going to tell, but I am going to tell you to go out there and find those metaphorical reuben toppings for yourself. I'm not gonna live your life for you. Although, I will give Expect No Mercy a vigorous Three and a half stars!!!