2 MINUTE VULCAN MEETS HIP HOP BODY SHOP

COWABUNGA! WILL MAKE YOU SKINNY...

... or maybe fat, depending.

FELLOWSHIP OF THE BROWNS

If this doesn't keep a smile on your face for the rest of your life, then you're probably an orc. I never thought it could get better than the Superbowl Shuffle, but as Tiny Tim has shown me, it can.

THE PLIGHT OF DOLPH

Like most of you, I have followed the work of Dolph Lundgren for well over two decades. Some claim that he peaked in the titular role of Mark Goldblatt's urban-street-crime-drama-thriller "The Punisher"; others say his career has been on a downhill slope since his turn as the Street Preacher in "Johnny Mnemonic".

But true fans know that Dolph never looked better than he did in the flight suit of Major Jack Holloway in 1999's "Storm Catcher".

I now present to you a scene that was snubbed by the Academy (who gave the Oscar to that so-called "actor" Kevin Spacey), which I have titled:

What Dolph Knows...



And as an added bonus, I present to you:

What Dolph Is Supposed To Have Done...




Visit the official site of the action hero actor Dolph Lundgren.

LOVE SAUCE

Never meant to be.

SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA KILL A BABY.

A scene from Avenging Angel (1985).

EVERYTHING CHANGED WHEN THE PENIS WENT ELECTRIC.

Another scene from Future Fear (1999).

THEY'RE GONNA PUT ME IN THE MOVIES!

*from the collection of Yonder Vittles.

TWO FRIENDS... ONE CALLING

This one's for you, Ghoul. Trust that I'll always believe in you.




From the Collection of Mary Koneski

THOSE DAMNED BLUEBERRY STAINS!

From the Collection of Mary Koneski

IN THE BEGINNING, THERE WAS ONLY CRAP...

HOOTEIRE CINEMA

Today, I present to you a genre of films that really means a lot to me. A genre overlooked by college professors and pretentious jerks everywhere: Ladies and gentlemen I present to you, 'Hooteire Cinema' (aka Hooter Cinema to the laymen).

Cinema historians and critics defined the canon of Hooteire Cinema in retrospect; many of those involved in the making of classic bonerrific movies later professed to be unaware of having created a distinctive type of film. Hooteires embrace a variety of genres, from the strong willed woman trying to make her way as a stripper to support her only son, to the strong willed woman trying to climb the corporate ladder in a cruel, man's world. Although the premises of these films may have been as varied as the protagonists' bikini collection, one fact kept them all together- hooters are awesome.

It's hard to believe, but as far as the critics are concerned, Hooteire Cinema will forever be the surgical scar on the boob job that is modern Hollywood. But I defy any film critic working today to tell me they don't have fond memories of sitting in their parents basement at 1am on a Friday, watching 'The Great Bikini Off Road Adventure' in awe with the sound turned off so their parents don't wake up. I'm getting teary penised just thinking about it.

HOW'S YOUR BOWELS?

A couple weeks ago, I turned on my television to find this little freak trying to sell me some detox product. Sick. Also, is it just me, or does this guy look like an overcooked John Waters?

IT'S TIME

It had to be done.

MEMORIES OF A MILF

Thanks, Marah!

"FRIENDS" BY TAKE NO DAMAGE AND 3 MINUTE "BAND OF THE HAND"

NICE FACE

Fellas, take note: Every woman you've ever met in your life uses this product because they think you might like them more because of it. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

JUST A FANTASY?

No, a reality.

FAT KID FROM SLIDERS BEAT BOXING

I wasn't planning three posts, but something terrible was on when I exited the DVR menu. Seemed like a sign.

INTERVIEW OF THE YEAR

Hurdle-curious.

JESUS IS GETTING WAY TOO CUTESIE

Your Lord and savior has been branding cats for years, but News at Nine made him famous for it.

KLASSIC KOMMERCIAL KOLLECTION IV

TAKE NO DAMAGE - "TWENTY FOUR SEVEN"

If you haven't already, buy their album from All Hail Records.

DIFFERENT TIMES...

Before the internet, this sort of thing was one of just few ways to laugh at stuff. I imagine that anyone over 20 who called this are the same guys who shopped at Spencer's Gifts, and thought The 3 Stooges were the funniest thing ever.

THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES

These three movies prove that you only need to watch the first five minutes to know how good a film is.


Wouldn't the world be better off if everyone had shaved heads, just imagine a baldie utopia.


This little gem is brought to you by the same genius behind Miami Vice.

The opening may seem innocent enough, but trust me everything goes down hill for the graduates of Malibu High.

BLUE COLLAR SUICIDE WATCH

This one's for everyone watching EIT from their cubicle. We've all been here at one point or another, I'm sure.

MORE EVIDENCE THAT THERE IS NO GOD.

Audio Adrenaline - PDA

VIDEO KARAOKE!

I love watching white people make white people look stupid. And in this case I love it even more because somewhere there are white people watching these white people look stupid who look even more stupid than the white people in this video, who look stupid.




*From the collection of Yonder Vittles.

SPINOFFS GONE WILD

We got these DVDs for free at the Comicon. Comicon is a place where people pay large sums of money for worthless shit, so you know this stuff is Terrible.

3 MINUTE FUTURESPORT

Playtime is over. He's in the game on behalf of the world. Special. Highly original. Turbo-charged thrill ride. 3 minutes long.

Rastafari!

IT'S INFOMERCIAL DAY AT EIT!

Say what you will about the withered souls of infomercial producers, but they sure do know who watches paid programming at 3 am:

stupid people,


girls with low self-esteem (and the creepy men who prefer them that way),



and budding serial killers.


Oh, and, uhm, us.